Comments on: Contact Tom

By: tlitchfo

tlitchfo — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 13:38:16 +0000

Jerrad,
First, let me just say I’m sorry that this has happened to you and your family. But beyond that, I don’t know what I can offer. Recovering from the kind of emotional trauma you’ve gone through is a deeply personal experience with no easy solution. It’s up to you, your children, and your extended family to get through this. And maybe a therapist or spiritual adviser. I’m not sure what you want from your wife. Alimony/child support would have to be agreed upon over the course of the divorce proceedings.
So I don’t know if this is helpful at all. What you’re going through is, unfortunately, all too common in military life. Thank you for sharing your story, here, though. Perhaps it will help some future reader to know what you’ve gone through.
Let me know if you have any other questions. I’d be happy to keep the conversation going.
Sincerely,
Th.

By: Jerrad

Jerrad — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 17:44:51 +0000

Hi Thomas,
I was a Navy Husband but caught my wife cheating on me while away on a long deployment. I was at home taking care of her two kids and found out about several affairs she had while she was away. She came home after I found out and attempted suicide twice.
I was about to give up my career to join her in Japan. We divorced in November but I am still finding myself victimized about all that has occurred! She is a Chief in the Navy and claimed she was an alcoholic in her defense… She was a alcohol abuse counselor and I know she is just claiming to be an alcoholic to stay in the Navy. What action can I take. I have tried to contact everyone and have gotten no response.

By: Alyssa A.

Alyssa A. — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 04:17:05 +0000

Found your site after researching civilian husbands . My husband would have loved reading your stuff during his “male spouse” years. We’ve switched roles now, I’m at home and he works outside of the home. We are so thankful for the time our boys had one-on-one with dad. Keep up the good work!
Alyssa

By: Trevor

Trevor — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 09:04:58 +0000

Hi,
My wife is in Basic Training right now and i just had some Questions. I have times were all i do is worry almost to the point of not being able to function, which is really werid for me b/c i use to being the one who is there for everone as a firefighter/Emt i’m not use to being the one that needs help, but any advice on how to cope with these feelings would help, I feel lost, lonley, like she is never coming back if i dont get a letter i wonder is she ok does she need me is she mad at me. i know these are just stupid things running through my head but i can’t seem to stop them i have tried staying busy but it doesnt help, my work is lacking and i have had to take several days off b/c I wasnt at my best. Any adice is appricatied, Plz don’t be rude I’m just asking for some help.

Thank you
fire52627@yahoo.com

By: Wayne

Wayne — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 23:22:46 +0000

My wife is just completing her 1st month of boot camp. I have 1000 questions and concerns How dramatic is the change for the husband i wonder we have 2 children 3 and 7 do i have to resign myself to beind a stay at home dad? how much can i really expect to see my wife once we are stationed?

By: tlitchfo

tlitchfo — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 15:32:45 +0000

Hi Jared, Check out milhusbands.com. It's a site John Avelis and I started just recently. It's still under development, but we've got a blog going there, and we've got forums. Eventually, there will be stories and articles, too. We decided there was a need for a site like this. Nothing else out there did a good job of addressing us husbands directly. I hope you find the site informative, and I hope you'll contribute to the forums. That's what we need to really get going. Thanks for your comment! Tom

By: Jared,

Jared, — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 17:51:43 +0000

Do you know of a place for ARMY husbands? I can’t find anything for military husbands.

By: Rick Martin

Rick Martin — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 00:26:41 +0000

Tom,

With this new Career Advancement Account for milspouse TA, I forsee a lot of milspouses completing their degrees. I would like to be your education contact. Rick

By: Fear of the Unknown

Fear of the Unknown — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 02:03:36 +0000

[...] so I’m not going to reprint it here. If you’d like to read it, though, I posted it here on the Contact Tom [...]

By: tlitchfo

tlitchfo — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 01:24:30 +0000

Hi Dan,

Thanks for writing. I’m sorry if this is long, but you ask a lot of good questions.

It sounds like you’re about where I was 7 years ago. I had graduated from college, where I’d met my wife (who still had a year to go), and then I enrolled in the seminary to study to become a pastor. After September 11th, Danielle and I, engaged at the time, decided to move up our wedding date because we didn’t know what would happen after her commissioning.

For the first 6 months of married life, we lived in separate states. That made it really hard for me to focus on school, so I decided at the end of the first year to leave the program so I could live with Danielle.

I didn’t know if I’d ever go back to the seminary (I haven’t, and I’m cool with that) or what I would do for a job. All I knew was it was better for our marriage was for us to be together.

After Danielle went to SWOS (Surface Warfare Officer School) in Newport, she went to a ship out of Norfolk. Life on a ship is definitely different for women than for men, but that’s something for your wife to manage. She’s the one who has to set boundaries and deal with her male coworkers. My wife would remind her that there’s really no such thing as ‘just friends’ with guys.

What you have to do is trust her. Trust is the most important part of any military marriage, but I think it’s even more important for guys like us because of the number of men our wives work with and the amount of time they will spend together.

You also have to talk to her. If you’re uncomfortable with something, talk about it. Don’t let it fester. How long have you two been married? Did you know she was going to enlist before you got together?

As for you and your degree/career, there’s good news. Most Navy bases are near universities and community colleges, so you should be able to finish your degree no problem. You might even be able to get tuition assistance.

I’ve had a lot of jobs over the years, but now I work from home doing a little freelance writing. I decided to leave the 9-to-5 because we wanted to have a baby. Danielle’s career prospects are a lot better than mine, so I decided it made more sense for me to stay home than for her to get out of the Navy.

Before becoming a writer, I did everything from slinging coffee to managing a non-profit to selling cars. Being a writer is my favorite job so far, but I had to put in my time at other jobs before I could make this work. A lot of military spouses like home-based businesses because they can take them with when they move, but you have to find the one that’s right for you. You’ve had a business before, so you might be in a good position to go that route. I’ve also had good luck getting jobs through temp agencies. Most start out temporary and become permanent.

Basically, what you have to be ready for is a non-traditional life. A military marriage has to be a partnership. You, as a man, are going to have to learn how to do a lot of things men usually aren’t very good at. For example, almost every time my wife and I fought in the early days, it was about housework. Female spouses have to learn a lot of new things, too, like mowing the lawn, fixing a toilet, etc.

It’s a strange life, but it’s exciting. There are more of us out here. Go to parties. Go to FRG (Family Readiness Group) meetings. You’ll bump into more Navy husbands eventually. And if not, there’s always the Internet.

Shoot me an e-mail any time. I don’t always write 700-word replies

Take care,
Tom