ThomasLitchford

I woke up at 2:34 AM (yes, I looked at the clock). Someone was shouting. What was it? A party? I couldn’t tell at first. I gradually recognized the cadence of some kind of cheer, a la ‘Hip hip hooray,’ or some other inane B.S. Then I heard British accents. (Maybe their football team had won, or something.)

I got up and turned on the deck light, which is like 200 watts and can just about be seen from space. I was hoping they’d get the message that someone was irritated next door. They didn’t.

So I put on my jeans and a tee shirt and walked outside. I could hardly believe it, but now they were singing. What were they singing? ‘So I never fell for Vietnam’ the lyric went, ‘Cause you can’t trust freedom / when it’s not in your hands.’ The song was ‘Civil War’ by Guns N’ Roses. From 1991.

I knocked on the door, but no one answered, so I went back inside and called Newport’s Finest.

‘Gooood mawning, Newpaut Puhlice,’ said a woman’s voice. She was awfully chipper for quarter to three in the morning. I explained the situation and she said they’d check it out. They probably just got a warning because they weren’t playing music, but at least they shut up so those of us not on vacation could get some sleep.

I feel like a total a-hole every time I have to call the police, but only for a brief moment before I drift off again into sweet, sweet Sleepland. I’ve made the call about once a year since we’ve lived here, always because of the same house. The rest of the street is quiet, but somehow this one place attracts the Andrew WK crowd.

The reason these late night shenanigans are so annoying is that our comfy bed is our Tibet. That’s what we’ve always called it.

This is where we go to be at peace in our world. Tibet is where only good things happen, like sex and sleep. When some d-bag wakes us up in the middle of the night, it’s like we’ve been invaded by China.